ashe's dream logs

I just woke up, and I’m a mess. My head is pounding, I’m soaked in sweat, and I feel genuinely sick.

I was at some famous dude’s house. I don't even know who, exactly. It was fancy, all these weird modern art pieces and shit. Then, out of nowhere, he accuses me of stealing something. A card, he said. I was so confused. I asked if he meant his ID card, because that's just the first card that came to mind – like, why would I steal that?

And then the nightmare really started. This older woman, someone I’d never seen before, just decided I was guilty and started trying to prove her loyalty to this famous asshole. She corners me and locks us both in a closet. A small one.

And I was trapped.

That closet… God, it was like being a kid again. She was all over me, patting me down, digging in my pockets, bitching and moaning the whole time. I couldn’t breathe. She kept touching me, in this creepy, invasive way, and I just froze. I couldn’t say a damn thing. Not a word. I just made these little whimpering noises, like some scared puppy. I was completely helpless. The whole thing just brought back all the awful memories from when I was little, that feeling of being trapped and utterly powerless.

I swear to God, I hope that woman rots. I hope she chokes on every single goddamn meal she eats for the rest of her life. She was a giant, festering waste of oxygen. I'm still fucking shaking just thinking about it.

When I woke up, I was having a full-blown panic attack. Crying, shaking... And the worst part is, even now, I keep seeing flashes of it. I knew I didn't steal anything, but I also knew she would hurt me in that closet. It’s like my brain is stuck in a loop. I keep thinking I’m back in that house, then somewhere else entirely. Even though I know I'm safe in my own bed, the fear is so real. It's almost like reliving the dream to a point where I don't know which one is which. I'm so hot, and the migraine is unbearable. I feel disgusting, like I'm covered in grime. I need a shower, but I don't even want to move. Fuck. Just… fuck.

I was in Molson, but it was different. It was very, very strange. I remember a lot of things being off.

Molson doesn’t have a lighthouse, but in this dream, it did—right next to the old school. I went behind it and saw someone staring at me from a well. They looked like my old roommate. I tried to ignore it; they weren’t bothering me, anyway, so I didn’t see any problem. I was confused why they chose to be there though.

I walked around. It was like multiple places I knew had been crammed into one. And it was also like old dreams I’ve had were seeping into this one, too.

My great-grandma’s house was in the middle of the lake near Molson, which isn’t where it should be. I know that, duh. I knew not to walk to it though, I didn’t want to see what he did to them again. It took me a while to walk there on foot though, however I didn’t think much of it and headed back toward the school.

Across the street, there was some kind of festival—people dancing, drinking, cheering. They offered me alcohol, and I drank it. It felt like they all knew me, liked me. But something… I couldn’t tell what… still felt wrong. I still felt alien, but is such a strange way. Like they were all alien and I was the only normal human being.

When I had the chance, I snuck off to the big bell in front of what I think was a bank. For some reason, I started ringing it. I know I loved to ring that bell, but deep down in that moment I knew how dangerous it might’ve been to ring it at a time like this.

Then, all those people rushed out to see me. They weren’t happy anymore...they looked angry. And they were dead silent. Not even the children spoke or cried.

I don’t dream in color, so since it was late in the day, everything was shadowy and hard to make out. But somehow, I could see their eyes—bright, reflecting light, just like cattle’s eyes in the dark. It made my heart drop.

They didn’t do anything, though. Just stared. Stood there.

They were growing stiff. I noticed that too. No longer seeming to breath.

Then, suddenly, everyone turned into mannequins. I watched my ex-roommate’s truck drive past. They had left me, but I didn't feel very phased by that.

And then I woke up.

That was probably one of the creepier dreams I’ve had. Didn’t freak me out too much, though.

I was in the woods. I think I was camping, and I was with a man. I don’t know if we were just friends or dating. It was hard to tell. I think I kept calling him David. We were supposed to go fishing. I know this because, in the dream, I kept mentioning how happy I was to go fishing. So we packed some things. For some reason, the man didn't bring his fishing pole...so it was just me with my own, I was a little bummed at this. Then we went to this lake area. It looked so familiar, like the campgrounds up around Sugarloaf. I began to fish.

The next thing I know, the man pushes me into the water, but he laughs and says he’s sorry, how it was an accident. I tried not to get angry, just laughed it off. But when he started to help me dry off, I realized he was groping me. Then he was ripping my clothes off. I tried so hard to stop him. He started to yell at me about how I should stick to acting simple-minded, how I wasn’t above him, how I needed to just submit to whatever he threw at me, how I was just a tool to everything around me, how I didn’t truly matter.

He told me I was better off dead, that he’d still use me if I were dead; left floating in that lake for days while bloated and grey. Each word felt like bile rising in my throat. He started hitting me, over and over, against the side of my head. I wanted to die. Anything but this. I would have rather died right then and there. I was wondering why God hadn't just killed me yet. Then he started touching me in other places, shoving his fingers in deep. He complained about how the lake water made me smell weird, how now I was just dirty. He yelled into the trees how I was this smelly, dirty, useless thing. I was terrified other campers would hear. It was all so humiliating. I kept trying to fight him off. This was too real for me.

Am I really a smelly, dirty thing? Why would he do this? The thoughts won’t leave me. They’re still here, even now.

(this was copied and pasted from my tumblr post, not proof read, sorry!) (i woke up at like 2:55am from this shit)

Just had a stressful dream about some guy named kevin (who I apparently met on some dating site for elderly people but we catfished each other, but for some reason kept seeing each other?) killing another dude who had sexually assaulted me back in my freshman year of highschool after I agreed to date him (yes this actually happened irl, and yes it’s plot relevant because I said so).

Anyways kevin killed that guy and had been keeping his corpse in the bed of his truck for months throughout summer (which can get hella fucking hot where I live), and no one knew. So my assaulter was this dried, shriveled up, mummified husk by the time he brought him wrapped up in a gift box like a fucking toy ken doll to me on my birthday. I was gonna be like 23 (or something).

And to be honest i was pretty confused in this dream and tried to play it off as a joke when I opened the box. That couldn’t be real right? It’s probably just a coincidence the body was wearing my sexual assaulters work uniform and badge. Right?

Right. No. That was him. He smelt rancid, his eyes were gone at this point, and I was kind of horrified. Mildly. But it was weird? I couldn’t stop myself but I didn’t want this kevin guy to kill me too, yknow? So I just play along like that was something I wanted (mostly the taking my sexual assaulters sun baked corpse to my apartment on my birthday party, that’s what I had to act like I totally wanted guys, because omg kevin how did you know?!).

So a few weeks go by and this motherfucker is just now sitting in a chair in my room. And I swear to god I can hear him breathing. I think. I’m probably fucking going nuts. I literally go in a loop every night while kevin is gone on whether or not my ex is actually dead or not. It was autumn at this point in the dream though and I get called by my great aunt (who I hate with a burning passion), saying how she and her many (uncared for and inbred) chihuahuas are going to visit in a few hours.

So I’m shitting myself. I have a body right there in my room. Propped up in a fucking rocking chair like some sort of doll I wanna showcase. So I call kevin, who thankfully just got off work and understands my stress (because who just has a corpse that looks like dried beef jerky in her home?), and picks it up and I tell him I honestly just want to get rid of it.

Kevin kind of gets upset by this but agrees to take it up this old road in the woods I used to drive through with some ex friends and I agree. Then he joked about burying him three feet deep was better than six and blah blah blah. Then I woke up and I’m sweating. Holy shit.

in my dream i was wokring at my old night job as a janitor, cleaning a ton of shitty messes. but while i was cleaning, a co-worker i hated tried flirting with me, but i wasnt into that shit, so i shot him down and continued cleaning. but then i found this weirdly large screen board thing? so i turned it on and logged into my tumblr account on it. i dont know why i would do this.

anyways, i found someone had posted a piece of shipping art (like a crack ship or something) of the Madagascar lion and giraffe characters making out crazy-freaky style. but then the fbi showed up and told me i wasnt supposed to see that because it was secretly canon. so they deleted my account that i soon after tried to log back into but accidentally created 3 more accounts that i would never use or just didnt belong to me?

hen my friends found out about all of that and stopped being my friends because they thought that i unironically was ok with that ship?? its dumb. but then out of nowhere im back to working again, cleaning stairs that lead to this bright ass light near the top. i got jumpscared by drake who just got done being in an argument with rihanna. who was at the top of the stairs, so i said hi and when to continue on cleaning until she began to make fun of my hair which genuinely confused me, so i was kinda sad and then i woke up!

Basically, i was leaving some party but sir mix a lot convinced me to go to a beach party with him, so i did because i was excited.

When i go there his friends immediately made me change into a bikini and walk with them to something cool they wanted to show me. The area was weird, it was like a shallow beach in some spots, and had cliffs that looked like what id imagine the pov of the bottoms of the grand canyon would be but way more open.

What they showed me scared me a little because it was jojo siwa as a strange mountain, laying in that "paint me like one of your french girls" pose, it sounded like a boats creaking and groaning because it was actively falling apart from possibly erosion or the summer heat, it was made out of ice and sand. They called it the "Jojo Grind".

i remember around this time i had recently moved in with my grandparents (recently celebrated my 16th birthday with them). i had the most shittiest sleep schedule around this time (staying up from around 5pm to 9am and then sleeping, only eating dinner for weeks and barely drinking water, it was pretty bad. i was supposed to be doing my online classes but never did, so i would just sleep, draw, or watch anime/play genshin impact. but my oompa had caught me several times being up when he got home from work (around 11pm), so he started to give me melatonin.

i was very suicidal at this time and very stupid, so i convinced him to let me know where he kept the melatonin so i could start taking it after dinner on my own while he was at work. i thought you could get a deadly overdose on that shit, so i took about 30mg (give or take, i cant remember now).

so i end up falling asleep after i did this, it was like 6pm atp, and so then my dream starts out with me signing some documentation papers and stuff (idk what for). then the dream sort of switches to me getting an apartment in russia (somewhere like perm?), moving all my shit in, and conversing with an older neighbor lady who tells me how nice walks around this area is. so i decide "yeah, im gonna go for a walk after a shower." and after i took a shower that is exactly what i did, and i remember walking for quite some time.

and then i found this old abandoned train that had some rusting, dented, boxcars still attached. there were some homeless men nearby cooking something over what looked like a bonfire, drinking, and minding their own business, so i didn't mind them. i was curious though. so i began to go into the boxcars to see if anything cool was inside, but when i went to the last boxcar closest to the men a little girl (probably around 10-12?) popped out at me and said she had a surprise in this boxcar that only special people could see. so i asked her if i were special enough, and she happily said yes and then began to insist that i go into the boxcar with her (but only if i kept my flashlight off).

i hesitated. i noticed something was off. i wasnt aware (for some reason) that this was a dream until now. i went to decline going inside the boxcar which made the girl extremely angry all of the sudden, calling me names and cursing at me, so i tried to just turn away to leave until she somehow (despite being so much smaller than me) dragged me into the boxcar. she was ranting about how she would make me feel bad for being alone again. i was so confused.

but then i saw it. it was her. she was mangled and beaten to death, her guts thrown around carelessly within the boxcar. it made me throw up in the dream and then the men outside that were minding their business began to approach the boxcar so i quickly ran away until one of the men suddenly started to rush at me and began to attack me with a crowbar. i think i died in the dream, but i woke up before i could. to say the least i spent a couple of days with really bad migraines and drowsiness from how much i took.